Hello, kitten readers. We are on cd5 already, can you believe it? Started clomid again today, which means that our Ultrasound will be a week from today, and our IUI will likely be Saturday, April 4th. I'd really like to learn why the first half of the month moves so much more quickly than the second half.. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the TTC blogs I tend to frequent during that TwoWeekWait. Not at all.
It's also the end of March. Is anyone else surprised by this fact? It really feels like it was just January.
Listening to a great Pete Yorn song, 'Pass Me By.'
The line 'I want to start a family' never sounded this nice when I listened to it a few years ago.
Adding some Pete to the BirthDay Mix.
carrie: OMG, you think you're going to be listening to music during labor?
carrie: that's funny
me: oh, i will
me: why would you steal my thunder?
carrie: picture nuclear bombs going off outside
carrie: and you sitting in a lounge chair, listening to tunes
carrie: 'cause that's more likely
**UPDATE: carrie: you left out the part where you called me a cracker, and said 'You cold!'
me: I took it out for fear of sounding illiterate. Call it literary license
Last week, when we were eagerly awaiting our own results, I would've welcomed a story of a couple who were fortunate enough to become pregnant early in the process. I say this in a sentimental, retrospective tone because, today reading that same news from a blogger in her FIRST MONTH OF TRYING made me want to delete her RSS feed from my inbox and visit her at home to beat her with my laptop. Of course, I will likely not do either, but I never expected to be so monumentally disappointed by two months of non-productive trying. It brings up all sorts of scary questions in my mind, like: 'What if there is a real underlying problem?' or 'What if this takes MUCH longer than we expected?' and, worst of all, 'What if I can't ever have children of my own?' All of which, I realize, are horribly premature, but logic has no place in my neighborhood today. Get off my lawn, logic!
I would like to know how anyone keeps sane during this process. I go from hopelessly excited and nervous and stomach-fluttery to horribly disappointed and sad and stomach-floppy. Do you just get used to the month-in, month-out routine? Do you stop hoping? Do you ponder stealing a newborn, cause that seems like a good choice for me right now. This is making me tear up at my desk a little sad, so I'm going to pretend to think about something else for a while.
I'll try to think up a happy post for later today, so I don't lose all four of my readers. :)
Person A: Did you fart?
Person B: No, I think that was you
A: are you sure, cause I don't think that's mine.
B: I've never been more sure.
A: hmm. I think my farts have evolved.
All day long yesterday I had an extra spring in my step - cd26. When I didn't wake up to a period, I figured this was good news. Didn't have a period at lunchtime, even better. Dinner -- wow, we may have gotten lucky this month. Just when I think it's safe to be a little more optimistic, BAM -- cd1 pops up and we're onto month three. I am trying to look at the positives this time, a January baby cuts those dreary winter months in half, but I'm not even convincing myself today. We knew it would likely take several tries, but in the back of my mind I still thought we'd be one of those lucky few who ended up with a positive test at the end of the first month, or at least at the end of the second.
Okay, Susan... Stop yourself. Before we know it, it'll be IUI day again and we'll be back in the TwoWeekWait. For now, I'm going to cook us some stir fry, have a few good beers, and watch some crap television.
Last night watching America's Next Top Model Nova, I took a bathroom break and briefly thought about taking a home pregnancy test. At the moment I emerged from the bathroom with the box in my hand, to allow Karen to rate the crazy (of course) a commercial was playing for home pregnancy tests. We both had a coincidence moment that some of us try to find meaning in. And then something strange happened - I read the side of the box, weighed my options, tried to temper my excitement, and decided to WAIT. I figure if nothing else, this bizarre behavior is a sure sign that something is going on. Sure, it's possible that I didn't want to see a negative result before I could reasonably expect the test to work properly. I choose to point at the maturity. Play along, please.
I also realized something exciting yesterday -- I can create a birth mix tape. This sounds trivial, but I assure you that a musicked susan is a happy susan, and somehow I had forgotten that you can probably bring tunes with you to the hospital. So I'll have to spend t he next nine months or so figuring out what I'll like to hear.
So, my thoughts that the runny nose and sore throat were from 'overactive mucous membranes' as an early sign of pregnancy didn't take into consideration one thing: an actual cold. I woke up at 1am, then again at 3am. At 4:30, I had to go to the bathroom, and made the mistake of coughing -- that hurt a lot, and I am trying not to do it again. And then my old friend sleeplessness reared her ugly head. I was up for about an hour, which hasn't happened since before I started Clomid. It's all an adventure, though, right? I'll repeat that on the hour until I believe it.
No additional news on the baby front, but I'll keep you updated. Thanks for the anecdote, Kate. I am hyper-aware of all bodily functions right now, and any encouragement to stay on the CrazyPath is terrific. :)
Just kidding, Mom. I'll try to be a little reasonable (for a change.)
Fun fact of the day: I turned off the shower before I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair. That's a good-day-omen if I ever heard one...
Too many blogs about early pregnancy symptoms make Susan a crazy girl, but this definitely feels a little strange. Below my belly button, it feels like very pointed, very mild cramping - similar to the IUI procedure, when they *accidentally* poke the catheter in too far. I am very aware, all you skeptics, that it is likely gas, but I am optimistic, as usual.
Also, unrelated, but woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. Still around at 5pm. More to come...
Update: had a few seconds of very dizzy feeling - like the whole room was moving around me. Can you say hypochondria? I can...
Hello, everyone! Happy St. Patty's day (or as my phone auto-corrected my tweet, 'St. Party's Day.') It's Tuesday and this morning Karen reminded me that we have a full nine days until we were told to test. It seems crazy that we should test on cd31 -- especially since last month only lasted twenty-six days -- but I suppose we'll know before then regardless. I am both far too impatient, and far too regular to not have some indication by then.
It was also brought to my attention that I posted about our reasonable consumption of alcoholic beverages, but did not mention that said behavior will cease upon the big reveal of our BigFatPositive. For all of you out there calling DCFS on me, please rest assured: I only meant that I'm imbibing until we find out.
In other news, I have been having the craziest dreams -- dreams about running and bizarro work dreams, and un-PG-rated dreams -- all very strange for me, but an awful lot of fun. Kind of like settling in to watch a bunch of movies every night. St. Karen is patient enough to listen to my dream recaps most mornings so I get to relive them a little then too. I have read a lot about crazy pregnancy dreams, but I'm pretty sure it's probably just crazy hormone dreams.** I did have some strange hot flashes yesterday, and felt dizzy a few times, but I am forbidden from looking these up on the interwebs, because I tend to look for meaning in everything from gas to lethargy (in case you hadn't noticed.)
**I should admit that I felt a strange sensation in my left big toe last night, sure that it was some pregnancy pimple that no one told me about. This is the length that my imagination goes to. I couldn't make this up,people... I took my socks off to inspect the area, and of course found nothing. Luckily, Karen didn't think much of my removing my socks, cause I'm not sure I'd have been able to explain this nonsense then.
That is all for now. More updates later, I'm sure...
It's Monday again, and that means that sometime in the next week we will know if this cycle was successful. I realize that this whole process is going to be one waiting game after another, but I need short-term goals.
Our weekend was nice and relaxing - we went out for dinner Friday, and had a party on Saturday for our friend's birthday. We have lightened up a little on the alcohol restriction, and let ourselves have one or two if the situation calls for it -- (shocker: most situations include alcohol.) I had a few jello shots at the birthday party, and I've decided that if the baby is born with a tail, I will blame Jose Quervo. Went to Chesterland for a Sunday afternoon steak, and before I knew it, BAM - it was Sunday night again. Time is a very relative thing.
**Ooh, something shiny topical segue: if you haven't checked out the podcast radio lab before, you don't know what you're missing... Science and culture information written like a great short story. Check out this episode (#51 from 5/29/07) about time.
That's all I have so far today, folks. More to come...
inevitableupdate: We have a twenty percent chance of conceiving this month, and 1/3 of women experience implantation spotting. That means that I have a one-in-fifteen chance of noticing said spotting right now, but that does not stop my obsessive mind from checking every single time I go to the bathroom. Wow, this is going to be a long week.
Hello, all. We're on cd17, things are on course and working as expected. I am noticing the moodiness I was told to expect quite a bit more this month, and looping on things more often than I normally would. A friend of mine from grade school told me last weekend that we didn't get along, and I can't stop thinking 'was I mean to her? Was I one of those people I wouldn't like?' Yeah... I don't like to fall into the 'since I'm taking hormones, I have an excuse to be a crazy person' club, but I'm trying to be extra normal, and it's kind of not working. It is fleeting, and I'm still a happy-go-lucky girl, but there are moments when I'm not quite myself. So I apologize yet again. :)
On the kitten front, I had some strange chest pains yesterday, that (of course) I figured meant I was pregnant. Apparently, no matter how often you tell yourself that you won't obsess, you still do. Go figure...
I read a blogger yesterday who has a daughter named Fable. While I don't want to steal a name I read about, I have decided to think of common words that would make nice names... I am a traditional name girl, (being named Susan will do that to you,) but that isn't stopping me from playing. What words do you think should be considered?
Fewer posts this month, since we're already used to the routine of this whole cycle thing. CD8 is here, and we're so cool, we thought it was cd7 -- got that, readers? Not. Even. Counting. Properly. That's how cool we are. (I'm trying a new reverse psychology approach to things this month. Cause that always works.)
Day four of Clomid is here, which means the months is zipping by. Less than one week until our next ultrasound and our next IUI. I can't help imagine writing here when we are actually expecting. Feels like that will be a whole different blog. :)
More to come...